Is It Just Me?

looking back and wondering why not much has changed

Jan 15, 2025

Reposting this substack because I had the audacity to delete it out of the fear that I would be misunderstood. To clarify for those that know me intimately, this is a personal essay comparing last January to the present and specifically deals with my experience with depression.

(1/22/24)

Dear Diary,

It is currently 5:36 pm. I’ve been at school since 8:00 am and have until 9:30 when I can finally head home. I am not doing too well. Last night, I slept for 3 hours in total and then cried, doom scrolled, cried some more, read the google docs, cried, and then quoted Michael Scott to make myself stop. I’m feeling very depressed, if you couldn’t already tell. I just want everything to fade away. I can’t find joy in my life. I’m faking it till I make it. I feel broken. “If you want to change your life, change your routine.” It’s on me to take control of my life. I’m just so overwhelmed and simultaneously experiencing a massive crisis concerning my writing. I don’t know what to create anymore, I don’t know that I’m a good writer, if I can’t take critique, I can’t create art.

Last night I took a shower after Seb told me he was going to go to bed without calling. I muttered ‘fuck you’ under my breath before the sobs overtook me. I don’t want to think of my life anymore. Mom told me to write down the things I’m grateful for and she’s totally right. I’m just not in the right headspace. I hate myself so much. All I can think of are lies. I’m scared of myself and my thoughts, my wallowing in self-pity and self-hatred at the same time. I need therapy. I think I’ll go to the adoration chapel.

An hour later…

Couldn’t stop crying in the adoration chapel. My mind is filled with so many lies about myself. I’m scared of going to class. The thought of seeing ______ gives me so much anxiety.

(1/12/24)

Dear Substack,

The other day I found myself comparing myself last January to my current self. To be quite honest, I’ve found that not much has changed. I’m thankful that my mindset has significantly improved, as has my lifestyle. But I would be lying if I said I conquered those demons.

The last time I cried was last Wednesday outside the DMV (which Georgia calls the DDS or ‘Department of Driver Services’ which somehow makes the wait longer and the chairs harder). The reality of exchanging my vertical Oregon license for a shiny, new Georgia license is a hard pill to swallow. I haven’t had the best time here, being unemployed and experiencing the holidays away from my family for the first time, not to mention the thought of having to forge new friendships with people sucks the life out of me.

Marriage has been a scary, overwhelming, amazing, frustrating, crazy experience; a far cry from the rose-colored fantasy I was working towards for the better part of 2024. Regularly, I will look in the mirror and not recognize the face as being associated with who I have imagined myself to be and worry that Seb doesn’t know the person he married (Imposter syndrome as a newly wed deserves its own Substack).

In October, I remember telling my dad how I can’t wait for when life finally slows down, to which my dad immediately replied, ‘Then why are you getting married?’ I laughed nervously, unsure as to how I felt over that response.

There’s an old American hymn written in 1906 by Jennie B. Wilson entitled “Hold to God’s Unchanging Hand” that praises the everlasting and unshakeable power of God if we only trust in Him.

Time is filled with swift transition,
None on earth unmoved can stand,
Build your hopes on things eternal
And then hold, hold onto God's unchanging hand.

It caused me to wonder on how many of my hopes and dreams are built primarily on the trust that the days will clear up, the deadlines become more flexible, and I’ll magically get past the rut without so much as bending my knees and taking the leap. What if transitions are just a necessary part of life? There to urge us onward through the storm. What if my blind insistence that life will eventually slow down is preventing me from truly living it? I wonder.